Love: God, koalas, music, snowcones, fashion, betsey johnson, diet mountain dew, and red velvet cake.
Hate: The color green, trying new foods, and bridges.
Motto: "I'd rather stand out than blend in"
As I sit here in pain due to my sun poisoning, I have a lot on my mind. As I’ve mention in the previous post I have been faced with some very tough situations within the past year or so, but through all of the trials my faith has been made so much stronger. God has really wrapped me in his mercy and grace through all of this and revealed his power more and more to me.
As I struggle with a friend heading down a scary path and hurting me and many others on the way down. When I question things like what to say at times, and feeling that my efforts are hopeless in the end OR
Like talking to another individual and hearing the absolute denial of God’s existence come from this person’s mouth, it deeply hurt me. Hearing this person talk about life with such emptiness. Isn’t it crazy how a person can have what seems like everything (money, success, etc) and be missing what it is really all about? I felt at times like how am I or anyone else going to be able to get through to this person?
I’m reminded just how powerful God is.
It’s not my job to save people, or to change or transform them. I was created to serve the God who can and does, but I, myself cannot do them with my own power.
I know I have to have faith that the things I’m doing according to His word and purpose does make a difference. I may not see instant results (even though that’s what I want most of the time) I have to focus on what I do know. I know that my God is all powerful, creator and savior of all, all-knowing and loving beyond understanding. He cares for his people, he has a purpose for all he does, and all powerful. And I should not doubt that.
As the song “Mighty to Save” states,
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Author of Salvation
He rose & conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave”
I don’t know how everything will play out. I know I’m weak, but in Him i’m strong. As I try to keep seeking his purpose and will in these situations and in my life I will trust that he is working and that it is good.
I hope you do to.
“For he was crucified in weakness, but lives by the power of God. For we also are weak in him, but in dealing with you we will live with him by the power of God.”
-2 Corinthians 13:4
So over the past year or so I’ve been faced with a lot of difficult situations. Situations that were completely out of my control no matter how i handle it. And when I can’t change or make things end happily ever after it really bothers me. A LOT. But as time goes on and i look back on some of hardest and painful experiences I see now why i should be thankful that they happened.
This year two big events i guess you could say have happened that shocked me into facing some hard truths. Both completely out of my control even though I tried with all my being to take hold of it to fix it and make it turn out the way I wanted. But that never works.
Let me let you in on these two stories a little so you can understand a little more of where i’m headed with this.
In my first reality jolt that knocked me on my butt and cause me to see the truth and accept something that was out of my control happened about 3 or 4 months ago. Without sharing too much let me give you the basics I guess. I think everyone, or at least I know for girls we all in some way or another harbor that unrealistic romantic love-story moment in our minds where at the end your long lost love and you find each other again and live happily ever after. Whether it’s with a celebrity, crush, or an ex-boyfriend I think it’s safe to say we’ve all did this to some extent at some point in our life. And as embarrassing as it is for me to admit to you (and myself) I’ve done it too. But my unattainable quest for the boy who didn’t love me is not what my tale is about today, not at all actually.
But we’ll get to that later on…
See for years this person had always been a part of my life. We’d had our ups and downs, but I always knew (or thought at least) that we cared for one another a lot. You know how it goes you connect with them and no matter what you can talk to them. When you upset you wanna txt them so they can make you feel better and blah blah blah. (i’m starting to make myself sick here lol) And you might be saying…well why is this bad Keela? What’s wrong with wanting that or having that or believing that happily ever after can happen with someone like that? …CALM YOURSELF 1. I’m not saying I don’t want to fall in love and all that romantic crap…of course I do… I’m a girl ain’t i? But like I said that’s not what this story is about and 2. Give me time to explain further why this was damaging to my life. …as I was saying I cared about this guy a lot and he knew that and I know he cared about me as well, even if sometimes his actions did the opposite. See even though this guy was there at times for me to lean or there was many times when he sent me on an emotional rollercoaster…a rollercoaster I almost never got off of.
Now before I go any further I don’t want the things I’m about to write to make any one say “oh my gosh he’s horrible person, etc” cause once again that’s not what I’m going for here and if you happened to figure out who I’m talking about or want to assume you do. Keep it to yourself. This is not to be a gossip starter or to put any one down, or to give you an opportunity to nose into my person life, but to hopefully help you see through my struggles what i’ve learned from this hard situation.
So as I was saying.
Over the years of our love/hate relationship/friendship kinda went something like this: He was a jerk=I hated him, he got serious with his relationship with God=loved him. He would tell me I was beautiful he thought maybe we should get back together, etc… then I’d stop hearing from him and all of a sudden next thing I know… girlfriend. Then we wouldn’t talk for a while…eventually we’d start again. He’d break up with girlfriend, start talking about how he thought I was the one. Stopped talking. Boom, another girlfriend. And no I never said anything when he did this which was one of my many mistakes here because yes it was wrong for him to tell me these things then turn around, act like they never happened, and go date someone else without giving me any explanation and acting like it never happened. However, I just let him. I let him treat me like a back-up plan, a second-rate girlfriend that was always going to be there and it wasn’t fair that I did this to myself just because I wanted so badly to believe that he wouldn’t lie to me about the way he felt. So I made excuses as to why he would keep doing these things. And same story, boom another girlfriend. If we got in any fights during these times they would always blow up because of these things, but we would never really talk about them being the cause, which was mistake #2. I should have just asked, do you care about me like you say you do, if so, why do you do this to me? But I didn’t. I would just forgive and forget because he always acted as if it never happened until he’d start again with the flirting. But the last time was too much for me to take. He always txted me even when he was dating someone. Sometimes they were flirty sometimes it was just friendly conversation. Because even though I was attracted to him, the basis of our relationship and what made it so strong was that we were always friends first and that’s probably exactly why it was hard for me to think he could do me so wrong. I knew he wasn’t a bad person, I knew he did care at least to some extent, he was a christian, he wouldn’t say stuff he didn’t mean it, right?
So i’m kinda rambling on so I should get to the point i know. I finally got to the point where I couldn’t do it anymore. It was making me feel horrible about myself. Sounds lame, but it was true. I felt like if a great guy like this doesn’t think I’m good enough, then I must not be. I let the way he treated me break me down until all I could do when I looked in the mirror or would go out with my friends was pick myself apart and feel insecure about who I was. And that is not who I am. I’ve never been that girl, so what happened? Now this guy wasn’t the only contributor to this period of self-hatred, but i knew in order to start to see myself in another light I had deal with this toxic relationship I was a part of.
The reality check for this case happened last fall when we started txting one week a lot. One day we spent all day just sending each other funny pictures of each other. Every time I opened up a message from him I’d smile. It felt like we we were in a relationship, like he really cared, like he wanted to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to him. In reality though he had a girlfriend he had been dating for a long time. So what the heck was i doing? In my head I of course being a stupid girl reasoned the following: “I’ve known him forever. I know he cares, he wouldn’t say it if he didn’t mean it. He’s known me longer than he has her he probably is just dating her because he was afraid to take to the chance with me. I’m not doing anything wrong, I don’t have a boyfriend. He is the one who should feel guilty. He must not love her if he can txt me like this”…and a bunch more idiotic stuff I told myself to make it ok, because I wanted to believe what I wanted to be true. When I woke up the next morning with a picture from him that he had sent hours earlier when I was sleeping and i txted him back he started acting different (like we never were flirting and boom back to friends or whatever). That’s when I started to come to the reality for the first time. It was never going to change was it? I decided to end it once and for all. No more giving my feelings to someone to get walked over. To be made to feel second-best, a best kept secret, a back-up. So I met with him for the first time face to face in a very long time…
I don’t think I’ve ever dreaded something so badly in my whole life. I did not want to face him. I did not want to tell him how I felt and more than anything I did not want to hear what I knew he was going to say to me. I decided beforehand after much prayer and meditation that this could either go one or two way (and i had any idea of which one it was going to be). I had to tell lay it all out of the table and tell him “hey, I care about you. When you tell me you miss me, you wanted to marry him, you care about me, I’m beautiful, etc…that means something to me. Now are you just saying to flirt, to be a guy or do you actually feel this way?” We were either going to be together, or not be in each others life at all. And that was that was almost unbearable for me to think about. I couldn’t imagine not being able to talk to him about so many things, but I knew that is what it was going to take. Because whether he wanted to admit it or not it wasn’t just unfair for me, our relationship was effecting him as well (and not to mention causing him to hurt the girl he was dating even though she was unaware). By him flirting with me, no matter if there were true feelings attached or not, it was still wrong. As a christian, we are first and foremost brother and sisters in Christ and he wasn’t treating me or his girlfriend like it.
Now don’t start i’m fully excepting all the things i did wrong in this scene. I know I shouldn’t have flirted back even if he flirted with me, I could have stopped it just like he could of. My point being is that even though that this relationship was harmful for the both of us and our walk with Christ.
So when I finally got the courage to spit out the words to him. I had to hear some of the most heartbreaking words I’ve ever been told in my life. “I plan on marrying _______.” So it was true. What I never wanted to admit to myself was actually true. He didn’t want to be with me after all. I know deep down inside I knew that was what he was going to say because if he really loved me he would have showed me, he wouldn’t have just told me a bunch of empty sentiments. I just didn’t want to believe that someone I cared for so much and was so close to could say those things and act in such a way and it have no real meaning to it.
I told him that even though it would kill me that we could no longer be in each others life…no talking…nothing. He was upset about this and at first maybe didn’t understand completely why. But (hopefully) after I explained how it was toxic to me and for him and how it was obvious that we didn’t know how to be just friends and continuing this way wasn’t going to be good for either of us, he finally agreed. We said our goodbyes that day and I watched him walk away from me and out of my life. I remember as he left I could barely look at him and tears filled my eyes it really broke my heart that it had to come to this. I can honestly say I feel like up to this point in my life it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I didn’t want to cut him out, but as I sat there afterwards and watch the rain fall down on the lake I felt such a weight lifted off of me. Even though I was extremely sad because I just lost one of the closest people to me in my life I felt such a peace come over me. I had finally gave up trying to control this area of my life. I finally stopped allowing myself to be put in a situation that the Devil was using in such a deceitful way to break me down. That was all over now. I was accepting reality, but more importantly trusting God more completely and saying “I know I can’t change it even though I want to, even though it hurts, even I don’t understand why it had to come to this, why he did this, why I did that, I know you love me. I know you way is good.”
The second part of my story is still happening and is even harder than the one above. This is something that I probably would have bet my life on that it would never happen, but it did. I’ve recently watched the one person I thought I knew better than any one on this earth completely transform into someone I can’t even recognize anymore (and no I don’t more physically). I’ve watched them not only cut me out of their life, but everyone else around that shows similar concerns or beliefs. I cannot describe the pain the person has cause me. The person who knows all my deepest darkness secret, the first person I would call in any situation good or bad, the person who I’ve shared some of the happiest and most exciting moments of my life with has deserted me and for what reason? I have no idea. There was no fight, no reasoning for this person actions. But nonetheless the person who I consider my family, that I would take a bullet for has given up our friendship (and many other friends and things) for a life that is the completely opposite of the person I once knew. This person who I thought I could trust and turn to with anything has lied, cause me and my family to be put at risk, while showing no concern, guilt or conviction for their actions. I don’t understand it. I’m hurting so badly, words honestly can’t even describe. I’m not just sad because I’ve lost this individual’s friendship, but I’m more ripped apart thinking about how this person cannot see the things this person is doing and the life this individual is living is only going to lead to horrible things to come. The hardest part is no matter how much I’ve loved on this friend and tried to be Christ-like, or keep trying to reach out to this person even though they continue to shut me out, it doesn’t seem to be making a difference. I know it’s not on me to fix this and all I can do is to try to love this person the way Christ does, pray, be there for this individual, keep reaching out and speaking truth in this person’s life and sit back and trust God with it, but it’s hard. It’s the hardest situation I have ever been faced with. I know I’m trying my absolute best and I am seeking God in this and asking him to lead me to know how to handle this in every way instead of lashing out and yelling at this person for their selfish and hurtful actions (which is what I’ve wanted to do at times), but at on occasion it just doesn’t feel good enough and I get down. But even though I don’t know what is going to happen with everything with this friend or with the scary effects of their actions have put me in. I’ve learned this. I have to stop trying to control it. Yeah I want to fix it and shake sense into this person, but I can’t. I can want them to change so badly (and i do), but I can’t control them or the situation. I just have to try my best to seek God’s will and trust him. Not trust him and then try to get it how I want it. It doesn’t work that way. I don’t understand this. I’m hurting and i’m scared, but I do know that God is in control… of it all and I have to put my trust in that.
So the moral of both the tales is this. Number one stop trying to convince yourself that what you think the plan is… is really God’s plan for you. Take it from someone who has tried it…it doesn’t work out. If we are so busy trying to figure out what God’s plan is for us or trying to make the plan we want fit to make it part of is, it’s going to fail and we are missing out on the real plan. It’s all or nothing type of thing. And stop worrying number two. It’s useless, a waste of time. And more importantly it’s a sin. Yes, a sin. You can’t fully trust God with anything if you’re worrying about it. I can tell you first hand that I’ve let go a lot about worries and it’s been the most freeing eye-opening experiences in my walk.
In closing, I hope you won’t take the things that I’ve said as the basis for juicy gossip or focus on trying to figure who the people in this are, but learn from my mistakes and experiences. Accept reality and realize that you are not in control. Some things you aren’t going to understand, but trust God that is able to handle it all. He is the creator, he is all-mighty, he is all-knowing, he is good, and he loves you. There is no reason to fear or doubt that he will lead you wrong.
Thanks for reading I hope you got something out of it.
I will leave you with these verses to consider and this song by my favorite band, Hawk Nelson that has really helped me lately.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”-Matthew 11:28-30
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” -Matthew 6:25-34“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”-John 14:27“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Phil. 4:6-7“The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his afresh each morning. -Lamentations 3:22-23